Dec 30, 2010

Local gossip hired as Guantanamo Bay torturer

"Shut up!!!"
The cries of a tortured prisoner at a US military facility in Guantanamo Bay could be heard echoing throughout the hallways.
Marylin Fischer, local gossip-turned-private military contractor shows no sign of mercy, as she continues on and on about the new couple who moved into Truman Lane, describing in ugly detail their non-suburban life-style.
"And they have one of those big ugly trucks, what are they called, SUB's?, and they think that's so fashionable, but even Nora Linnet says that ..."
"No more!! I hear you talk about Nora Linnet and her cats fifteen time today," screams the suspected terrorist, "I not want to hear again, I talk, I talk, please!!"
The US military has recently increased the numbers of torturers specializing in repetitive gossip, or as they are known, "Talkers," as a non-violent but extremely effective method for extracting vital information from terrorist suspects.
Fischer is only one of many such specialists.
"(Fischer) is one of the best ones we've got," Lieutenant General David Fuller, special operations commander at the base, explains, "some of the prisoners, they don't last five minutes with her."
"She's been extremely well trained, but to hear her go on like that, I'd have to say she has some sort of extraordinary gift."
"We have trained our own Talkers, and are deploying 1000 men and women in uniform globally as we speak," Fuller continued, "but they pale in comparison to the specialists we have here."
"I'm just happy that I can help my country with what I'm best at," Fischer, when not on duty, is a quiet, modest woman. She could not, however, hide a hint of professional pride, as she continued, "I have a repertoire of 3,000 stories, mostly about my hometown in Kentucky." When asked to share some of her stories, however, she answered with a tight lipped "I'm sorry, they're all classified material."
For now, Guantanamo Bay prisoners can only cower in the shadows of the Talkers as their resilience to repetitive gossip is tested to the limits.