Extra-terrestrial comedian debuts in New York

Audiences enjoyed a close encounter with Addiddatpqweqty, a 50-tentacled, single-cell being from Beta Centauri at the Smoking Gun, a cafe where local aspiring stand-ups perform every Friday.

With the assistance of its translator Al-Al, a hyper-intelligent afterthought from the second dimension, it brought the house down with its down-to-Earth attitude and side-splitting one-liners such as:"Did you hear about the (no translation) who (no translation) a (no translation)? Turns out he was a Nazi!" and "I just flew in from LA, and."

Ad.'s next performance is scheduled for March 12, 3498.
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The Daily Gas
http://dailygas.blogspot.com/

Anti-archaeologists discover yet-to-be-built structures

Anti-archaeologists with the Rand Institute have discovered a structure expected to be built 300 years from now.

The discovery stems from the use of a new surveying technique in which the digging progresses upwards, in stead of going down, as in classical methods.

Head anti-archaeologist, Dr. Merlin Wright, states: "The people who will have built these structures will probably have possessed architectural technologies far more advanced than ours. Only time will tell what they will be."

Camouflage underwear invisible to x-ray specs

A team of physicists at the Los Alamos National Laboratory has found that wearing camouflage underwear can render the private's privates invisible to x-ray specs.

This new discovery, which will be reported in next month's issue of Science, as well as Hustler Magazine, is expected to help protect troops from the prying eyes of not only insurgent perverts, but also from a team of physicists at the Los Alamos National Laboratory, which is now hard at work developing gamma-ray specs.

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The Daily Gas
http://dailygas.blogspot.com/

Snow White awakens, finds self in psychoanalysis

Snow White, 321, awoke from a 300-year-long slumber to find herself on the couch in the office of Dr. Alan T. Schwartz, renowned psychoanalyst and a specialist in sleeping disorders.

The event was anything but romantic, as she awoke to the words of Dr. Schwartz as he said, "... and the "dwarf" is a phallic symbol. This, along with the "apple," representing the original sin, suggests both a strong guilt and regret over your relationship with the Prince."

Dr. Schwartz and White have agreed to continue their sessions, but it remains unclear if she will still have to pay for the 1,152 sessions she had slept through.

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The Daily Gas
http://dailygas.blogspot.com/

Abject failure fails attempted suicide

Stephan Bailey, a failure for most of his life, failed an attempted suicide yesterday morning, according to police reports.

Bailey initially shocked, and then amused his coworkers, when he tried to make a dramatic jump from his seven-story office by running against the glass wall, but, lacking momentum, bounced right back.

A coworker, who declined to give her name, gave the following comment amid tears of laughter:
"Stephan was always such a loser. He could never do anything right at work, and now he can't even end his life right."

Doctors have administered sedatives to Bailey, and are now considering having him euthanized.