95% of postdocs "theoretically" starving

In a recent study conducted by Dr. Samir T. Gupta, a statistics postdoc at Yale University, 95% of the world's postdocs are starving, theoretically.

"Of course we are not literally starving. We calculate a postdoc's income over the course of his or her entire career, by extrapolating from an expected salary increase weighted by the actual possibility of appointment to a tenure-track position, and find that the average wage of a postdoc comes to $1.49. Distributing this globally, we find 95% of all postdocs are living below poverty," said Dr. Gupta.

"This is despite the fact that a postdoc's lifespan is considerably reduced due to stress, over-work, and bad living conditions. Sad but true."

Although the limited employment opportunities for postdocs have only recently come to public attention, even postdocs themselves were not aware of the severity of their situation. Others argued that Dr. Gupta's theory is oversimplified. Dr. Keisuke Yoshida, Professor Emeritus at Duke University, argues that "the theory does not include factors such as the joy of possibly making a new discovery, which is, theoretically, priceless. By including that into the calculations, the wage should jump to infinity."

This finding will be reported in next month's issue of Nature.

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Extra-terrestrial comedian debuts in New York

Audiences enjoyed a close encounter with Addiddatpqweqty, a 50-tentacled, single-cell being from Beta Centauri at the Smoking Gun, a cafe where local aspiring stand-ups perform every Friday.

With the assistance of its translator Al-Al, a hyper-intelligent afterthought from the second dimension, it brought the house down with its down-to-Earth attitude and side-splitting one-liners such as:"Did you hear about the (no translation) who (no translation) a (no translation)? Turns out he was a Nazi!" and "I just flew in from LA, and."

Ad.'s next performance is scheduled for March 12, 3498.
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Anti-archaeologists discover yet-to-be-built structures

Anti-archaeologists with the Rand Institute have discovered a structure expected to be built 300 years from now.

The discovery stems from the use of a new surveying technique in which the digging progresses upwards, in stead of going down, as in classical methods.

Head anti-archaeologist, Dr. Merlin Wright, states: "The people who will have built these structures will probably have possessed architectural technologies far more advanced than ours. Only time will tell what they will be."

Camouflage underwear invisible to x-ray specs

A team of physicists at the Los Alamos National Laboratory has found that wearing camouflage underwear can render the private's privates invisible to x-ray specs.

This new discovery, which will be reported in next month's issue of Science, as well as Hustler Magazine, is expected to help protect troops from the prying eyes of not only insurgent perverts, but also from a team of physicists at the Los Alamos National Laboratory, which is now hard at work developing gamma-ray specs.

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The Daily Gas
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Snow White awakens, finds self in psychoanalysis

Snow White, 321, awoke from a 300-year-long slumber to find herself on the couch in the office of Dr. Alan T. Schwartz, renowned psychoanalyst and a specialist in sleeping disorders.

The event was anything but romantic, as she awoke to the words of Dr. Schwartz as he said, "... and the "dwarf" is a phallic symbol. This, along with the "apple," representing the original sin, suggests both a strong guilt and regret over your relationship with the Prince."

Dr. Schwartz and White have agreed to continue their sessions, but it remains unclear if she will still have to pay for the 1,152 sessions she had slept through.

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The Daily Gas
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Abject failure fails attempted suicide

Stephan Bailey, a failure for most of his life, failed an attempted suicide yesterday morning, according to police reports.

Bailey initially shocked, and then amused his coworkers, when he tried to make a dramatic jump from his seven-story office by running against the glass wall, but, lacking momentum, bounced right back.

A coworker, who declined to give her name, gave the following comment amid tears of laughter:
"Stephan was always such a loser. He could never do anything right at work, and now he can't even end his life right."

Doctors have administered sedatives to Bailey, and are now considering having him euthanized.

Stand-ups stage a sit-in in Vermont